She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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