I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
