Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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