i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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