I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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