My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
