so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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