I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
