Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
