Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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