Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
God, I missed his penis.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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