Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
