The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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