apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize