Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
