Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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