every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
