Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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