No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
