Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
