We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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