Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
