trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
