you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
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Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We smell like vodka and hangover
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