I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
