we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Text me some of your sweat
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