I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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