I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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