he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
FUCK WHALES
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