Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
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