Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
