well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
