IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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