During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
