why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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