I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
