he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
