tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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