I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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