Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
