420 ftw
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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