I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is Oprah even human
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
