I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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