oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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