Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
