she woke up with a sticky ear
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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