he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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