at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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