I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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