Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She's the barista slut.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
