a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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