i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
