WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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