My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
