mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
