please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
