Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't turn off my feet"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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