Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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