Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
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The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid