His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
