He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.